Oh man. Where to start this blog post? For all the amazing and positive feedback I received when I asked you all on Instagram – “How do you deal with temper tantrums and continuous cranky behavior?” – there was one message I can’t shake.
It was the message from a follower I don’t personally know reminding me that I’m anxiously and excitedly waiting to adopt our next little one… so how can I even begin to complain about the current blessing I have in Sully? I should just be grateful and happy.
Ok, seriously?!
I didn’t look to see if they had a child of their own, I imagine they don’t. But I can’t shake it y’all and indulge me a moment while I begin here. I think it’s important to say…
Parenting is hard.
Yes, it’s rewarding and beautiful and hands down THE best thing I’ve ever done in my life, but it’s hard. It’s not all sweet smelling shampoo baths, happy Mommy/daughter dates, oversized bows, and matching Lilly dresses. Moms are human. Children are human. There’s going to be hard times and ruts. It’s just life.
So yes – while what we pray for most in our lives right now is another baby via the route of adoption, we’re still going to have lower days than others.
I guarantee every Mom, no matter their situation, would agree with this. Of course we’re all grateful. Of course we all love our children. In fact, our love is way too big and fierce to be captured in any one blog post.
Moms – just know we’re doing great. We’re not in this alone. And goodness y’all, we have GOT to stop listening to the one negative little voice (even if it’s the one in our heads) who says we’re not good enough.
Okay? Okay.
Now – here’s what you all said to my plea for help. For as many comments as I got on how to get through this, I received just as many requests to share! If you have more to add, please, please, please comment below so we can all share in what’s worked for you!
Advice from the Attention to Darling Community of Moms
{ONE} Be Consistent!
Consistency is HARD! I have to make sure that I as the Mama take the lead on aligning how we discipline with my husband, teachers, and all other caretakers like nannies, grandparents, etc. It’s a lot and it’s hard, but since we started disciplining all on the same page and sticking to techniques you shared (more at the end), it’s worked.
{TWO} Stay Calm.
Ever since hearing literally 7+ of y’all (including my own Mom, love you Mom!) say to stay calm, your advice has been echoing in my head. Are you rolling your eyes like DUH Erin?! It’s admittedly easy for me at least to lose my cool though and echoing “stay calm” has helped me well, stay calm.
Now I take a deep breath or walk away for a minute before coming back focused and ready to be consistent. Or I’ll simply stop everything I’m doing (I’ll literally turn off the burner and stop cooking) if I feel myself getting worked up and feel Sully getting worked up too. Then I’ll go sit on the floor and distract her (and me!) with a new game.
Best thing I’ve found too is to involve Sully in what I’m doing. If I’m working on my computer, I let her get her iPad with the keyboard attachment and type or play a game. If I’m cooking, she’s chopping veggies with her kid’s knife. If I’m doing laundry, she’s loading the washer or folding clothes (not very well, but hey #ProgressNotPerfection). This helps her feel involved and like I’m not ignoring her.
One mom simply said, “Outlast her – be the boss now and she’ll thank you later.” That’s what I’m trying to remember. Keeping my cool and outlasting her fits.
{THREE} It’s a Phase and it will Pass / It’s the Age
Admittedly, this is not what a Mama in the midst of a phase wants to hear. 🙂 But it’s so true.
I try to keep that in mind. Do you remember when we were up at 1AM and then again at 4AM to breast or bottle feed our babies in the middle of the night and we were so exhausted?! That was a phase. And it passed so incredibly fast.
As part of this phase, my almost 4-year-old is learning to regulate her emotions right now. I’m an adult and we’ve already established that even I have that trouble doing that sometimes. 🙂 Don’t let it throw you off, stay calm and be consistent.
{FOUR} Don’t Discount Your Personal Circumstances
This part is also hard for me to write and honestly I really just want to delete it. But there is so much validity.
The facts are… We live in someone else’s 600 square foot flat that doesn’t have our furniture or Sully’s toys or our dogs or our smell (does anyone else know what I mean there?!).
We live this in-between life where we have family, best friends who have become family, a home, school, and routines in both our London home and our Charleston home. I’m also ramping back up my work, which means Sully doesn’t have Mama as much,
Oh yeah, and then there’s that little thing of adoption and getting a new baby! If it wasn’t hard enough to gain a brother or sister, we also are navigating explaining what a “first mommy and daddy” is to Sully and praying nightly for our future brother or sister’s family. Very confusing for a little mind.
How does this apply to you? Well Mamas, please think about all the external circumstances your child is interacting with each and every day. It’s not just you. I know it was a reality check for me to step back and think about how confusing everything must be for Sully right now. No wonder she’s getting clingy and temperamental. Right?!
A Few Resources Suggested by the AtoD Community
I love to read, but it’s been a hot minute since I read a book on parenting. We read so many when we’re preparing for baby, so why not when we’re navigating all these other new stages?
Lemon Stripes Mamas Facebook Group
Ask your kid’s friend’s Mamas if they’re dealing with the same things with no shame. And please y’all, don’t throw shade or decide you won’t do a playdate ever again if a Mama comes to you to talk about their child’s problems. We need to do this together and with grace for each other.
Our Discipline Principles
It’s harder than it sounds because our kiddos are always testing us. I have no perfect formula, but here are the things that are helping us…
- Talk calmly and quietly and give Sully a chance to correct her behavior. If she does we distract fast and move forward.
- If she doesn’t, she goes to her room or sits in a corner or is separated in time out. Great advice from one of you smart ladies… we do make sure she knows where we are and where she can find us and we stay there. For example, we’ll say, “you need to go to your room until you get the grumpies out and when you do, I’ll be in the kitchen and ready for hugs.” So then she doesn’t feel abandoned and go into hysterics.
- If she crosses a line like hitting or throwing something, she automatically goes to her room (no #1) and/or we’ll take away the thing she threw or a toy she was playing with when she acted this way. Just be prepared to really do what you’re going to say you’ll do. No “I’m going to throw that iPad away” and then you give it back after the fit. Not very consistent.
- As soon as she says she’s sorry for ____ (the exact thing she did) and she calms down, we move on. No long discussions.
- If she is absolutely inconsolable and crying to the point where she’s short of breath, we hug her and calm her down then give her the chance to say she’s sorry. A lot of the time she just needs to know I’m there for her and love her.
- We make sure she’s got a full belly and rested as much as possible. Snacks are in every bag or coat we own. I mean, y’all get hangry too don’t you? This helps a lot in preventing big meltdown moments.
- This was great advice for y’all… we give her choices that we’ve pre-chosen. Meaning things like, “Do you want the blue or pink straw in your milk?” Or “You can have broccoli or brussels sprouts (funny enough she loves both) with dinner, which one do you want?” Then she feels like she gets a part in the conversation – it’s easy for her to just hear all my “nos” throughout the day and feel defeated.
To end this, I just have to say that I’m truly blessed with my Sullivan Louise. 98% of the time she really is an angel and we are incredibly in awe of her enigmatic spirit, big heart, and love for adventure. Mama loves you Sully! Maybe one day you’ll read this blog post when you’re going through a hard time with your own spirited little girl. 🙂
THANK YOU to all the Mamas who sent advice and encouragement! I value your input and community more than you know.
What are some other things that have worked for you in parenting? Or do you have a good resource to add?
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